Thursday, June 4, 2009

Redemption Song

I never realized exactly how terrible I was a updating my blog, until I realized it had been over a month since my last post. I will do better.
Right now, it is so beautiful outside! I have been consistently blown away with the weather, just how gorgeous God's creation is. The evidence of spring is everywhere with the lush gardens and the vibrantly green trees and rolling hills. Combine that with the intense summer sun, and you have a breathtaking, glorious day. A day when music seems the seep from the crevices of creation, and you can't smiling and singing. I am in the midst of such a day right now. I woke up and drove to a beautiful neighborhood where the trees shade the sidewalks and the houses more often than not have children's toys strewn about he front lawn. I then proceeded to run with a friend for a while. I have never liked running:growing up, in high school, even last year-it was always something I thought of and had a bad taste in my mouth. However, lately I have been trying to be more disciplined, and have tried to run on a regular basis. My body now lets me know when I have not run for a bit, because it starts craving it. I don't understand-all I am doing is running for an extended period of time (little "Anchorman" joke for you there). My body can feel it, but more so than that, my mind craves it. It craves that portion of time that I do nothing but listening to music and push myself. I can think. I can roll around the thoughts of the day, week, the problems and concerns, and joys and the things I am grateful for, the dreams that I have, my future, and how to get there with my present, and on rare occasion, I think of absolutely nothing, which then promptly weirds me out and I start thinking about 6 things to make up for the time that I wasted thinking about nothing. Whatever i think about, at the end of my run is always the promise of clarity and a rejuvenated spirit. So, in short, I have taken a liking to running. ;) The rest of my day? Came home, cleaned, ate an apple, and right now I am outside in the sunshine, attempting to gain more sun kisses/freckles before the day's end.
I have been doing lots of thinking about the past six months since I have returned home, about how I was changed during my SBFM, and about my mindset when I first returned home. How easily we can slip away and forget-not forget, simply store in the corners of our minds-what we have learned, what our purpose in life is, and where we are going. During the year 2008, my life has changed so much. I completed my DTS which rocked my views, my passion for Jesus, and my identity as a daughter of the King. During that summer, God gave me a heart for the community of Springfield that I never had before. I was able to spend a week of 24/7 prayer with other believers-my fire for intercession only continued to burn brighter and harder during that week. During my SBFM, My mind was molded and shaped in so many way; my world view was changed, my knowledge of God only deepened to make me realize how much more I had to learn. I came home at the end of that school, my mind still craving learning and reading everything I could get my hands on, reading 3 books at once, alternating between them. I came to a point when I decided to slow down, for fear of burning out, i told myself. I busied myself with other things, working out, finding a job, spending time with friends. I am not saying that these things are bad, or that they are unimportant. Jobs are necessary, taking care of your self is a good habit, and we are built to be in relationship with one another. However, here I six months later, wondering how I got to the place I am, where the fire is not as strong and God's voice is not so prevalent? I am not about to say that God has left me or abandoned me-I know better than that. That is against His character, against His nature. However, it is in my nature as a sinful human to leave, to make wrong decisions, to not chase after my Beloved everyday with all me heart. Something one of our speakers during SBFM said was, "How dare you do anything without permission form your Father?" I have not been seeking Him in everything I do. It is so easy for me to think of this stage of my life as an in-between stage. I am in between SBFM in Maui and the Peregrinati Way internship in Scotland. I have nine months here-work, friends, not much else can be done but wait right? So very wrong. When we turn our eyes towards God, when we posture ourselves in a way that we throw our arms open towards Him, and we can be on our knees in worship and adoration, we can say, "God, here I am. What wold you like to do in and through me today?" That is our purpose. We are here to love Him with our whole heart, soul, mind, and strength,and we are to love others as we love ourselves. That is what we are called to do, that is what we are made for.
So this is my confession:I have not been the woman of God that He created me to be. I take heart in the fact that God is in the business of redemption-He loves redeeming His children! I know there will be times when I will fall, and I am confident that God will never leave me. This is the path that is marked out for us-I think I may just have found part of the trail.